Anastase Maragos Hyve5sikmus Unsplash (1)

Married To a Woman & Playing with Guys At the Gym

Keeping her safe if you’re into steamy hookups in the showers

Anastase Maragos Hyve5sikmus Unsplash (1)

Married To a Woman & Playing with Guys At the Gym


Keeping her safe if you’re into steamy hookups in the showers


Every now and then I enjoy a tug in the showers at the gym... doesn’t everyone? I also get M2M massages and in some of these, or the occasional gym pulls, I get a suck, or my arse licked. 

Sorry - I am the usual bi stereotype of happily married with good sex with my wife, but need to spice it with a bit of dude play. In these encounters I tend not to want to suck the other bloke - I love to touch his dick and tug it, but blokes tend to be happy to go down on me. I feel that is sort of bad manners on my part not to reciprocate - but over the years I have learned that typically blokes are OK with that. Gay dudes are usually very nice and respectful in my experience. 

So, my question is that if I am only the receiver of a tongue on my dick/sack and round my arse, what STIs should I get tested for and what is the realistic risk for me getting herpes or the clap, HPV etc.? Also, how long after the hook up should I wait to get tested? Does an antiseptic wipe / soapy wash after help? 

Many of the websites read like those fine-print warnings on the back of a drug box and list every possible infinitesimally small chance of getting something. What is the realistic risk that I have/can get an STI and how soon can I be tested to get the all-clear before resuming sex with my wife? Cheers!

- Kinsey Scale Tugger


A lot to unpack here Tugger! I’ll try to break up your questions into chunks and tackle them individually.

Every now and then I enjoy a tug in the showers at the gym... doesn’t everyone?

Sure, if it’s consensual and everyone in that space is here for it, sounds hot!

 

If I am only the receiver of a tongue on my dick/sack and round my arse, what STIs should I get tested for and what is the realistic risk for me getting herpes or the clap, HPV etc.?

Speaking generally - meeting random blokes for hot sexual encounters, likely without any protection or convos about STI status in the mix, means the chance you might pick something up is pretty high.  

But, from the sounds of things, you’re engaging in low-risk play and are mostly at risk of STIs that can be treated relatively simply and are easy to detect.

There’s no risk with hand stuff (without going into infinitesimal possibilities like you said). With oral you are not at risk of HIV, but you could still be at risk of syphilis, gonorrhoea (the clap) and chlamydia (the clam). 

The big risk you need to know about with playing with the boys at the gym and taking anything home to the marital bed, is that a lot of STIs could have serious impacts on your wife’s body, and reproduction if you are trying/want to try for kids. The ‘clam’ and syphilis particularly can be very dangerous, as they don’t always have obvious symptoms right away, so your wife wouldn’t realise until the more serious symptoms popped up. The trick there is, she won’t even know she needs to get tested unless you tell her - and you would need to tell her.

Depending on your age, you should definitely look at getting the HPV vaccine (it’s free for anyone under 26). When it comes to STI screening, you may as well get the lot while you are there and get into a regular routine of testing - make sure you explicitly ask your doctor for rectal, throat and urine STI tests, as most GPs won’t give you the full suite if they don’t know you’re playing with dudes.

Want to know more about the specific risk of different STIs?

The link below has got you covered

JustTheFacts.co.nz is an incredible resource for Kiwis

Does an antiseptic wipe / soapy wash after help?

Not really, I’m afraid. In fact, washing too vigorously after something risky happened could increase your risk, you could accidentally break the skin around your arse for example. The real risk areas are your urethra and arsehole and you really shouldn’t be washing inside them with soap or a wipe.

How long after the hook up should I wait to get tested/how soon can I be tested to get the all-clear before resuming sex with my wife?

There are different testing windows for different STIs. For example, you could test for chlamydia and gonorrhoea and see an accurate result after a couple of weeks. Whereas, HIV and syphilis tests need much longer to generate an accurate result, as these tests detect your body’s response to an infection (which can take up to 12 weeks). A good practice is to be in a regular cycle of testing in general - and retest down the line if you get a negative result within the ideal testing window. 

From how you’ve described your situation, I’m guessing your wife doesn’t know you’re playing away? If I’m wrong, and she does, then that’s great and I hope you can have open, honest convos about your sex life and testing. 

It’s good that you want to keep her safe -  I hope that means you would let her know she may have been at risk and needs to get tested if you did think you acquired an STI on your adventures in a window where you’d also had sex with your wife. 

We aren’t doctors so I can’t give you a definitive “time” when it would be safe to hop back into bed with your beloved - but hopefully, this info arms you with a bit more understanding of window periods and risk, and you can have a conversation with your healthcare provider or a sexual health clinic about when they give the “all-clear” as you say.


Hope this helps Tugger. Make sure you keep consent in mind when playing in more public places and get into a regular schedule of testing.

Need a discreet way to test?

Check out these links below

I recently answered how to test for HIV without your wife finding out - read more here You can also test yourself for STIs - order a test kit today

The NZAF network

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