We’ve all encountered that ‘down low’, ‘closeted’, or ‘discreet’ person on the apps, who’s not into sharing pics (or at least ones that seem real). While we’re not saying all of them are unsafe, it’s generally safer to not meet up with a blank profile who’s being a bit suspicious.

Unfortunately, there’s been some stories recently of people in Aotearoa being lured in and assaulted on the apps, so we’ve pulled together some tips on how to stay safer while doing what we all love: hooking up with randoms.

You can front-foot any of these tips below by saying “I don’t mean to be rude and I’m sorry if this isn’t the case but I’m getting catfish vibes from you. I’ve been catfished before, so I’m a little cautious."

If they’re real and well-meaning they will understand and if they don’t then it’s a red flag.

1. Ask them to chat on a video call.

Jumping on a video call is a quick way to make sure the person you’re talking to is who they say they are (Grindr has this feature now if you didn’t know).

2. Ask for photos of specific things.

"Hey, can you send me a photo holding up a peace sign with your left hand and your tongue out?”  

If you don’t want to video call, then this is another good way to check if they’re legit.

3. Ask for social media / Snapchat.

Facebook/Instagram accounts are an excellent way to check if the person you’re talking to is real.

Green flags to look out for:

• Recent photos or stories in the city/town you’re talking in
• Mutual followers/friends that you can verify their identity with
• Tagged photos with other people.

Social accounts can also be bogus, so Snapchat is a useful app for them to send live photos.

4. Meet in a public setting.

If possible, meet your hook-up in a public setting with others around before choosing to hook up with them (for example bars, bustling main street, 24-hour fast food places, busy parks). You can also consider alternatives like cruise clubs.

5. Tell someone you trust.

Wherever you’re meeting up with your hook-up, it’s a good idea to let someone know where you’re going and when to expect a message from you. Can even leave a note on the kitchen bench for someone to find in the morning for those late-night visits.

6. Have a charged phone.

Make sure you always have your phone close by and with plenty of charge. If you need to call for help or organise a ride home, then it is useful to have it within arm’s reach.

7. Stay sober.

Alcohol or drugs may affect your judgement and ability to stay in control of the situation.  It’s safest to not accept drinks or drugs from someone you’ve just met.

These tips are some things to think about but it’s not an exhaustive list of all the things you can do to keep yourself safe when hooking up anonymously. Check out Netsafe for more tips.

The New Zealand Police are looking to speak with anyone who can share more information on the recent assaults in Aotearoa. If you feel comfortable doing so, please reach out to them by phoning 105. 

If you’ve had a negative experience hooking up and want someone to chat with, we are here to support you with our free confidential counselling services, we offer these in person and online depending on where in the country you live.